My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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