I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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