I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
