i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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