I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
