Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize