did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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