Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
