I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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