Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
