life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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