I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
