she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
