she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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