This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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