You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You're a waste of cheezeits
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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