fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
