the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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