I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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