Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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