Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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