You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
