goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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