tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
