from now on my penis is your penis
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
