My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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