I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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