Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
