You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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