I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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