Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
cat food counts as protein by the way
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize