This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
