If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
