so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize