Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
