i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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