anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
