He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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