I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
