I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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