just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
