Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize