wakey wakey hands off snakey
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
