help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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