There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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