she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
