The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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