So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
