seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Someone shit on the floor
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
