You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
