I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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