girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
