two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
