I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
