So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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