He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
