They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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