She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
